Let's Play Final Fantasy IX

Act I Scene III: How to Stage an Intervention

Fri, 29 May 2009 01:44:12 GMT

The play starts out with an introduction from Pink Beard, now wearing a rug for +5 "I am not a thief".

Needless to say this thing is over once we steal every takable object in the castle so we're skipping acts 1 and 2.

That's okay, he wasn't serious anyways guys.

Problems are best solved with violence! If anyone tells you otherwise, they're a dirty liar. True facts: not once in this entire game will we talk our way out of a problem.

No, it's a fish.

The Steal command is replaced with SFX in this fight. Which...

FUCK. Marcus is in a RAGING FIRE OF HELL--

For exactly 0 points of damage. You get nothing for using the SFX command. Instead MANKEY and co. just beat the shit out of "King Leo" and his goons with cold, hard plastic.

Cinna of course ends this fight nearly dead.

Well I would hope not since he's supposed to stay on stage and be the distraction.

Like a chump Blank stops MANKEY from knifing "Leo" in the back. Apparently he's switching sides.

TRAITORS MUST DIE!!

Take it in the gut like a man damn you!

This is actually a mini-game where you fake a dual. You can see MANKEY getting into his Crane stance before jump kicking Blank into the stands and ripping the guy's ear off with his teeth.

I only managed to impress 95 nobles out of 100. Seeing as I didn't put a command in wrong I can only assume the remaining 5 are pricks.

Off stage left...

Blank and MANKEY sneek into the guard room and steal some armor. And by steal I mean knock out some guards and play strip poker with their unconscious bodies. Needless to say the guards lost. So far so good!

Don't worry, I'm expecting you to.

Actions of the innocent.

: Careful man, I heard she likes young blood.
: She's a vampire!? So you're saying I should bring some garlic?
: No I meant... Woah, she's a vampire?!

In case you thought we'd teleported somewhere else within the last two minutes.

Welp then, right up these suckers and--

It's a girl.

No, I'm going to stand here all night just to fuck with you.

MANKEY immediately goes in for some smooth action.

Blank fucks up the moment though and little Miss Coy (revealed to be Princess Garnet pulling a fast one) runs off.

I'm on to you buddy.

The scene switches to the two most annoying characters in this game. Everything one says the other says backwards. They never have anything worthwhile to say either.

Case in point.

They rush in foaming at the mouth to see the Queen, but the Captain here tells them to fuck off. Someone salute that man.

Much like a kid asking Mom for something after Dad's said no they try again with the General of the Guard.

I wouldn't call letting a pair of obnoxious, rabies carrying jesters in to see the Queen "one-upping". More like grounds for dismissal.

That if she doesn't find a post office within the next 24 hours her seller rating on Ebay's going to be in the toilet?

It's Mission Time!

Bond runs off to break out the cavalry.

Men of military discipline.

Here's our honoree mutated rat member. His job is to sit in the corner of the breakroom and bitch about the postal service going to the dogs.

This guy may look like he's doing his job, but in actuality he just runs in and out of the kitchen doing his damnedest to avoid Captain Bond here.

No princess.

No Princess, but we've found the lair of the Gremlins. They seem to be poisoning the food. That would explain things...

Knights of Pluto: ever diligent.

Captain Bond tells him to suck it up or face a swim in the castle moat.

Morale is soaring as always.

THIS IS NOT FORESHADOWING.

So does drowning kittens.

He promptly leaves to recheck every area Captain Bond's already been over. Detective work at it's finest.

I could guess, the portcullis being down and all.

: *heavy breathing noises*

Cockblocked! Mission: successful. Let's go grab some drinks.

He's training for the Olympics. 2012!

Captain Bond decides this Olympic stuff just isn't for him.

: If I climb up here he'll never get me! I am a GENIUS.

: I'm filing assault charges.

: Whut?

: I'M FILING ASSAULT CHARGES.

: Nobody out-daredevil-maverick's me. Nobody!

: YOU SMELL!

: Oh it's on now bitch!

: AND YOUR FLY'S DOWN!

: ...Fuck.

: International Man of Repute: with the grace of a falcon he swoops down on his prey--

: ...All part of the plan...

I'm calling hit and run. Notice how the band does nothing to help MANKEY and his three broken ribs. Not even a, "Hey buddy! You alright? That chick's ass was pretty big for your girlish physique!"

PRINCESSES DON' T APOLOGIZE.

: Yea and it was hot! Can I get a play-by-play?

They're practicing for the parkour meet this Saturday.

With you running out of the royal apartments and all, no, we never would have guessed. It was a total mystery.

The Po-Po bang on the door and Captain Bond shouts something about search and seizure.

: They're driving me into an alcoholic suicide! I haven't been sober in weeks!

: Heheh, you are slick Mankey, slick!

A natural reaction to Cinna. He leads the duo into the next room and down an escape hatch he put in beneath the table. Questionable, but no time to ask what drugs he's trafficking!

Bond attempts to follow, but it doesn't go quite as planned.

: No time for flirtations Mr. Chimp!

He says that like he actually did something, but so far his greatest accomplishment has been getting his shit wrecked by Baku.

What? How? How dare you take a path other than the linear, all divergences blocked gameplay one!

Blank joins the party. Which is good because Cinna is useless.

: It's clobberin' time!

Bond quickly gets desperate.

In a fit of frustration he wrecks Blank's stolen armor. That'll learn him!

... ... ...

Next time:

Extras
Garnet Jumps

Act I Scene II: Heart of the Cards

Wed, 27 May 2009 03:49:07 GMT

Back on the ground Devil Boy seems to have fallen and he can't get up. Remember kids: one mind altering substance at a time. At least until we learn about synthesising, then go crazy.

You mean this isn't Euro Disneyland? Damn.

: Is...my arm supposed to be at that angle? I-I don't think I'm double jointed...

: You're getting a doctor, right? Hello? ...That's okay, I'm sure it'll pop back into place. ...Yea.

:

Who is this kid?

Hopefully ?????? isn't a common name around these parts or this could get confusing.

A quick look around town proves revealing:

Either this is Pleasure Island or there's something hideously wrong with the local water. Just to be on the safe side ?????? decides to abstain from any beverage not served in a bar catering to minors. On the chance he's already contaminated the alcohol may preserve him; in case it doesn't at least he'll be too inebriated to recognize his transformation into a devil-eyed ass.

The town guards remain physically unaffected, but prove useless.

On second investigation pointing out the obvious appears to be a local talent.

Yes, but can you tell us the five day forecast?

Alexandria is also a town of many treasures.

What the hell am I going to do with all these damn cards!?
: Believe in the heart of the cards! Together you can--

?????? is not above taking from old ladies.

After robbing the town blind ?????? heads on over to ye olde ticket booth where he can get his ticket stamped for admittance to MANKEY's "play".

Just the usual Slim--how about a nice big fat inky stamp of approval on our ticket, hunh?

:

The old timer feels a bit sorry for down on his luck ?????? and, while he won't just stamp our ticket so we can get in (no need to give ?????? a ray of sunshine to set him back on the straight and not robbing old ladies), he forks over a cheer-up present.

... ... ...

Dejected and alone ?????? heads to a nearby alley to end it all.

: You're stalking me? ...That's so touching... We can do a double suicide if you want...

Yes.

You do human trafficking? So you're rich, right? Note to self: mug Rat Kid later...

We're secret agents. Very badass.

Mission "steal ladder" is a-go. I can only assume we're going to use it to beat the guards comatose as there is no way we're scaling the walls.

Or we could climb belltowers. Either Rat Kid is channeling Quasimodo or we're going to ride on the backs of pigeons.

?????? is immediately attacked by a large mutant rat. Obviously the water has affected the local wildlife as well.

: I can't feel my face, oh god... S-someone call animal control, please!

Well I'm glad everyone knows eachother now. When do we kill it? ?????? needs some exp.

: Dear diary,
Today I met a very lovely boy, kupo! His eyes are so glowy, like big kupo nuts... *sigh* Will we ever be together? I want to be his canary! :D
--Kupo

: I gotta go...
: Come back later, kupo. I'll be waiting~

You know if ?????? pushed you off here the most he'd get would be a charge for negligence... Just saying.

I take it your parents hated you.

Just give Hamlet a moment to add "trespassing" to his list of crimes...

Wow, night comes fast around these parts, hunh? That was like, 0.2 seconds.

Fuck we're late, we're late! Quick, kick some nobles out of their chairs!

Here looks like a good spot. I'm sure persecution of bird people is legal.

This is our ugly mug shot, we're definitely badass.

FUCK!!! MY EYES!

: Par-tay time
Par-tay time!
It ain't no crime
Lookin' dis fine.
Par-tay time!

: Oh. My god. My head, can you all just SHUT. UP.

: Is my mascara running?

: No, no, it's good.

: It's like a fire!
Didn't ya read da flyer?!
Time o' your life
Comin' at ya like a hot, swift knife!

: Beautiful words, absolutely. (What the fuck is she talking about?)

: Cheer up sweetie pie!
This ain't no time to cry!
: ...Someone get me a drink!
: That's the spirit!
Mama's so glad to hear it!
: JUST GIVE ME THE BOTTLE PEOPLE. GIVE ME THE BOTTLE.

Next time:

Extras
The Performance Begins

What are the cards for?
Final Fantasy IX has a card game (much like Final Fantasy VIII) called Tetra Master. It's pretty simple, but doesn't benefit your party.

Numbers on the cards are their attack, card type, physical defense and magical defense respectively, the arrows the directions the cards can attack and defend. Whoever holds the most cards at the end wins. Fascinating--needless to say I won't be mentioning it often.

Act I Scene I: Nobody Likes Cinna

Thu, 21 May 2009 00:39:41 GMT

I don't have a saved game so obviously we're going to do a new game.

That is some amazing grey. Very cutting edge.

Ohho, what's this? Boat caught out in a storm? Can you feel the dramatic tension? If someone doesn't get eaten by a shark by day three of this Lost At Sea adventure I'm going to be disappointed.

Oh wait...it's a little girl! Nevermind, gotta keep this PG.

Spontaneous aging!

She was dreaming. Cameras in her face appear to make her cry.

: Fuck, sunset already? Never drinking till five again. Oh god my head...

: Ah, people watching me! How about a smile?

Because there's nothing more holy and erotic than a fish angel.

This is our hero. Who seems to have had a traumatic accident with anal toys. He should see a doctor about that.

Obviously a genius. Our directions say to light the candle in the middle of the room, but first--

Some good old fashion ransacking! Finders keepers; let's just hope there's not a prosecuting attorney in this dump.

: I am the MASTAH of fire! Take that bitch!

Truer words were never spoken.

: Yea, there was this thing, with my ass and the trombonist and...yea...I'm gonna need a tube to poop from now on.

With those fateful words the crew is attacked by the most ass-backwards horse ever to be born. Either that or a guy in a dragon hat, but I'm going with ass-backwards horse.

: You're goin' DOWN mofo! I am the MASTAH of fire, in case you did not get the MEMO! Yea, that was slick MANKEY, slick.

But first: priorities!

Cinna is of course the first (and only) one to go down. This is because nobody likes Cinna.

: Good work gang, it turned out to be the missing link between man and...boar? Anteater? Someone give me a classification here!

So he says, but which one of us is guilty of assault, hunh, hunh?

Apparently Offense to All Creation here is on our side. The gang quickly hurries after lest they be forced to mug our pink bearded friend again (some pockets should not be explored).

This is gonna be epic. I can just TELL. Feel the tension people!? THE TENSION!

...Okay, maybe the...props...are a little cheap, but keep believing people, keep believing!

The plan, as it breaks down, is that the troupe is going to perform a play as cover to sneak into the castle and make off with the princess. Elementary kidnapping at it's finest: there is no way we can fuck this up.

Cause everybody loves a troll in stage dress. Welp, guess the play's in the shithole guys, but with MANKEY on the kidnapping team...

Fuck. We're screwed.

: Aha ha ha--I am a RIOT!

You're right Chief, let's talk serious business.

: Aha ha ha--I am a RIOT!

Sixty-two responses later...

: Why thank you, I like to think so.
: Oh hon, that weren't no compliment.
: Why thank you, I like to think so.
: *sigh* I'mma go get my vicodin, I'll be back in five boys.

If she's anything like that doll then she must be eight. Sorry guys, I don't do statutory.

A quick scene change and...

Hunh, who's this cute little hobo kid...? I don't remember there being a stage call for orphans.

WOAH! WHAT THE HELL?!

It's like he's devouring my soul.

Wait, no, just laying a devil curse on our ship.

Though considering how low we're flying, I can't blame him. Is this per regulations guys? Who the hell is at the wheel of this tub?

: I am the MASTAH of flying! Yea bitch, watch me land this shit!

Sirens wail in the background.

Well fuck, I thought we were playing Hello Kitty Roller Rescue. Guess we're gonna have to turn this thing around.

Next time:

Extras
Title Trailer
Opening Movie
Prima Vista Enters Alexandria

I might reduce the screenshot size due to obvious pixelation.